Alucard's Worst Nightmare: A Vampire Seminar
by Jason's Favorite Madwoman
Summary: Alucard has to teach a class full of rookies about vampires. Little does he know, this seminar is not what it appears to be. A fan-fiction about fan-fiction. Teen for my dirty mouth. Cookies for reviewers!


**Oh boy. This is what happens when I get up early.**

**So, this morning I was taking a shower before the butt-crack of dawn, and I thought of this. I wrote it down in Psychology and am now posting it. I have fun. Here's a glance into my inner mind. It may begin like it's an enviable Mary-Sue thing, but really it's just me poking fun at Alucard. A look into what the fandom characters must think of us fan-fic writers. Can you just imagine?  
**

**Why yes, I _am_ sitting in that front-row seat. ^_~**

Alucard placed the briefcase onto the teacher's desk with a sigh. How in the world had he gotten himself into this? He felt the intense need to bang his head against a wall until the wall split into pieces. "Alright. My name is Alucard. I am going to be teaching this vampire seminar. Anyone who causes the slightest bit of trouble will be shot in the forehead, understood?" There were sounds of slight alarm from the Hellsing personnel in front of him. Then, from the seat closest to his desk, a giggle. He glared up at the girl with hell's eyes. She didn't even flinch, just put a pencil between her teeth and watched him with huge, innocent eyes. Alucard had the strangest feeling of dread when those wide brown eyes lit upon him, as though someone even more terrible then he was sitting there. Which was, of course, ridiculous. The girl smiled, somehow managing a totally chipper grin around the writing utensil. Damn his bindings to Integra and her orders!

He turned around and picked up a marker. After uncapping it, he sniffed the tip delicately for a brief, yet slightly OOC moment. He then began writing the words 'Vampires 101' on the white-board with curving, impressive letters. The marker was red, naturally. "Alright, this is going to be short and simple, as I have better things to do with my time then teach a bunch of low-grade soldiers what they already know." Slamming down his hands on the desk, Alucard stared the troops down. "Vampires are blood drinking monsters. Your job is to kill them. Only the bullets Hellsing gives out will work against them. Aim for the head." He straightened up and shrugged. "There, I'm done. Leave me alone. Go. Lesson's over, class is over. Move."

"Sir! Ooooh, sir! Sir, pick me! Pick me, I know!" That same girl had let the pencil drop out of her mouth and was now kneeling on her desk, hand stretched upward. Alucard stared. A pair of fake car ears were balanced into her unruly hair. How that detail had escaped him was anyone's guess. Her black parka was unnecessary for the room's temperature, but somehow he doubted she ever took it off. "Pick me! Oooooooh, please, oh, please, oh, please!"

_If I ignore her, will she stop?_ He wondered. This theory was conquered when she stood on the desk, nearly toppling over. "PICK ME! PICK ME, GODDAMNIT!"

"WHAT?" He rawred. She wasn't phased, and sat down with a snotty air.

Crossing her legs, the girl inquired, "How much blood does a vampire need per day?" Alucard glared.

"Depends on the vampire. Now, if that's all-"

"No, it's not." She tilted her nose into the air. He gave a quiet gasp, then clenched his fists.

"What is your name?"

She got that same innocent look on her face as she'd had when their eyes had first met. "Who? _Me?_" Alucard nodded. She held a hand to her chest in an attempt to appear girlish. It didn't do too much, as she was wearing humongous combat boots. Blinking her eyes flirtatiously, she continued. "I'm Jason's Favorite Madwoman." Her other classmates expressed surprise. "But you can call me Neko-Chan." His features contorted into anger.

"Well, Neko-Chan, I don't think it's your place to deside when the class is over."

"Nor is it yours." Neko unfolded her legs and started kicking them absentmindedly. "I don't think Integra would like it if she heard that class ended thirty minutes before it should have."

Alucard stared at the girl for a long time. Was it really too hard to just shoot the kid in her smug little face? Or would that bring down the wrath of his Master. After the last 'unnessicary' slaughter, Integra had ordered him not to kill any unarmed person without consulting her. The girl didn't seem to have magic either. So he was cornered. He walked around to the other side of his desk and leaned in real close to her face. She smiled happily. "All right. What else do you want to know?"

Neko laughed and clapped her hands. "_Alllll_ right! Lets do this!" There was a wicked gleam in her eye.

Suddenly Alucard was immensely worried. "Now, about the bullets. Where do you get all that silver? And your hell hound. Did you have to eat a dog to get it? You know, with the whole absorb all the lives you take deal."

* * *

**A Half-Hour Later**

* * *

"If you can drink wine, why can't Seras eat that soup?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and glanced at his non-existent watch. "It's not actually wine. I just find it amusing."

"You always appear out of the roof and walls around Integra. Do you just follow her around like some kind of eye-covered stalker?"

The other class-mates had fallen asleep, and Alucard had to wonder why they got to be so lucky. "I'm her servant and guard. It's my job."

"That's kind of creepy."

"Who asked you?"

"I did." Neko had apparently filled a notebook full of things to ask him. She was now wearing a monocle that look suspiciously like Walter's. "That coffin of yours."

"What about it?"

She tilted her head and gave him a confused look. "When you were fighting the Nazis, that thing grew legs and ran around! I mean... What the bloody hell is that about?"

His fingers twitched toward the handle of his Jackal. "It's under my control, it's part of me. Does that even begin to get through that thick head of yours?" She threw an eraser at him.

"Be polite." Neko shook her head. "Now, with that whole hotel shenanigan, why did you make Seras tote that huge thing around when you could have just made it scurry around all Nightmare-Before-Christmas like?"

He resisted the urge to kill her with that same eraser she'd so carelessly tossed. "It builds character. Leave the parenting to me." She shrugged.

"Now, when you're Girlycard-"

Alucard looked up at her exasperatedly. "**What?**"

"That little girlish shape you were when you and Walter were fighting in World War II. Girlycard."

"Ah. You are _so_ clever." His voice was highly sarcastic. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Are you still male, or are you female?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm neither, because my soul is male, but the body is female." Her pencil scratched out that question, and she turned the page.

"And, how does Walter feel about that?"

They stared at each other for a very long time. "... What?"

Neko sighed and gestured with her hands. "Ya know. He was a boy, you were a... Transvestite. Thingy." There was more staring. "Not that it would matter, because he was, what? Sixteen?"

"Fifteen."

"Right. Either way, he was a hormone driven little fucker." It wasn't the first time her questions had included profanity, and Alucard refused to be surprised to see this 'child' using such words. He'd heard much worse. "So, what I'm asking is, did anything happen." The tips of her finger lightly touched one another, and Neko looked vaguely like a psychiatrist. Alucard had lost all his patience long ago, and this question was gasoline on a forest fire. His voice was a growl when he spoke.

"I don't see how it's any of your concern." Neko and him had a brief staring contest, then she threw her hands up in a 'whatever' gesture.

"Alright, we'll leave that for later." His grimace was pained.

"I'm looking forward to it." Alucard barely managed to spit the words from between his fangs.

Neko acted like she didn't notice. "Now. Your heart doesn't beat anymore, correct?"

"Yes." There was more staring, then Neko glanced at his crotch. Her lips pursed as though she were evaluating what she saw. Alucard would have blushed if he could. "**_What at you doing?_**" She looked back up at his face, then glanced left and right. Alucard couldn't help doing so as well. Neko leaned forward and cupped a hand around her mouth so she could whisper. He leaned closer to catch her words.

"_How do you get an erection_?"

Silence.

_**BANG!**_

All of the sleeping officers woke up with various jumps and yells. Only one remained in his dreaming state, the narcoleptic one.

The barrel of the Jackal smoked, and Alucard sighed happily. Ah, sweet release. The girl's body had flown back into her chair, her black-brown locks stained with blood. "You've got to enjoy the simple things in life!" He murmured happily, and turned his back.

"You fucking bastard!"

No. It couldn't be!

Alucard turned around to face an un-scathed Neko-Chan. She was wiping away blood from her bullet-hole free forehead with anger written all over her very much alive features. He felt all that achieved happiness fade away. The girl stood up, hands on desk. "I don't think you understand this situation, Alucard the No-Life King." All her innocence had been drained away, and the vampire had the sudden notion he was standing in front of his worst nightmare.

"No...." There was terror in his voice as he realized exactly what 'this situation' was. "It can't... No! Anything but-" He swirled around to the door and opened it. There was a sheet of what appeared to be glass there, and through it he could see Neko-Chan.... No, Jason's Favorite Madwoman grinning insanely at him from in front of a laptop. She twiddled her fingers at him, and both girls spoke as one.

"You see, you can't kill me Alucard. You have to answer the questions. For this is Fanfiction!" Both started laughing hysterically, eyes glowing red.

He slammed the door and faced her. Jason's Favorite Madwoman blinked innocently at him again. His vision blurred and his knees gave out. She walked to his side and the last thing Alucard saw before blacking out was her face.

* * *

"So. Are you ready to begin again?"

He woke with a start. Alucard was still in the classroom, although it was now empty. 'Neko-Chan' was sitting on his desk, and when he looked he realized he was now in her old spot. She smiled happily. "Well? You ready?"

His stomach was queasy as he answered. "Why are you writing this? Must you mess around with my domain?"

Her laugh was warm and full, but somehow Alucard felt even colder then usual. 'Neko' leaned until her nose brushed his. "Why not?" The breath from her mouth smelled like chocolate and cheap ramen, an odd mixture. "Why shouldn't I hold you captive in a random class room for my own entertainment? If it's in my power... You of all people should understand gaining fun at others expense."

Alucard didn't lean away. "So you'll keep asking me questions? Why me, hm?"

Neko smiled so genuinely that her eyes squinted shut for a second. "Because I like you!" Her hands reached up and touched both sides of his face. "You're my favorite... Well," She briefly pouted. "One of them. But I'll grab Integra, Young Walter, and The Captain later." Alucard snapped at her hands and she giggled again.

"Don't you dare invovle my master!"

"Oh?" She straightened and smirked at him from above. "Even if I'm an AxI fan?" He paused, eyes wide. "Who knows what could happen, all alone in my mind's little classroom?" Alucard didn't want to be intrigued, but he was. It was an interesting thought. Neko shrugged. "Well, I'm off for a bit. There's only so much time I can be in my head without people asking questions." Her face contorted angerly. "God, I hate people." Sunshiny-face again. "Well, love you dearest No-Life King! I'll be back soon."

Alucard was surprised. Had Fate smiled down on him? With the Author gone, he could surly escape the fan-fiction in no-time. Neko turned to leave, then glanced over her shoulder with an evil grin. "If you try to escape, my friend, I'll have to do something drastic." He snorted.

"Like what?"

She faced the door again and walked right to it. "I'll have to release the fan-girls." His whole body froze. Anything but fan-girls! Give him Abraham VanHellsing, Quincey P. Morris, Johnathan Harker, Jack Steward, and Lord Arthur Golming once again. Give him the armies of heaven of hell. Send all the past, present, and future vampire slayers, including Buffy and Blade, but not the bloody fan-girls!

Jason's Favorite Madwoman waved over her shoulder. "See ya soon!"

**Huh. Alucard's afraid of fan-girls. Who'da thought?**

**I think it's every character's worst nightmare to be put into a fan-fiction. This was just me having fun. I won't continue it unless you really want me too...**

**Or if Alucard ever answers that erection question. The world wants to know!**


End file.
